Friday, December 18, 2015

Local Beer Fans “Outraged” by Hill Farmstead Availability

The following is a 100% fake, satirical news story. IT’S A JOKE, PEOPLE!

TROY, NY – Hill Farmstead, a small brewery located on a farm in northern Vermont, has taken the craft beer world by storm in recent years. Consistently voted Best Brewery in both the United States and in the Milky Way Galaxy by sites such as BeerRate.com and TappdIn.com, it has been the destination of choice by beer lovers everywhere. Until recently, the only way to acquire their products was to trek to the brewery itself in rural Greensboro and wait in line. This was a cumbersome, inefficient, expensive, and environmentally-unfriendly way to make a beer run. That all changed when the brewery began sending kegs to select bars and restaurants in the Capital District.

However, that move seems to have backfired as many local self-proclaimed beer snobs say they find the easy availability of this obscure brewery to be offensive.

“It’s an outrage, a complete and total outrage!” said Jeremy P. Tensious. “Last year, I used to get in the car, drive 4 hours to the middle of nowhere in Vermont, wait in line like everyone else, and spend most of my paycheck on all the beer I could get. I’d drive home and take pictures of my haul and post that to Facebook and Instagram while laughing at all the comments from envious suckers begging me to trade. But now all these people can just mosey on over to The Puck or Hank Street Taproom and get it themselves. What the hell, man?”

"Who needs this when anyone can get it?" - Eli T. Ist, local beer fan
"Who needs this when anyone can get it?" - Eli T. Ist, local beer fan
“Yeah, it’s like all these noobs and kids that don’t know nothing about beer are just able to get it whenever they want and they have no idea how important that beer is,” said Matt Hoardersen. “They didn’t pay their dues, you know? Beers like Hill Farmstead shouldn’t be available to plebs like these people [points to other patrons at The Puck]. I was here the other day and someone ordered a Mary (a light, pilsner style beer) and she said ‘Ooh this tastes just like PBR.’ I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to smack her! Someone else got an Abner (a strong, very bitter IPA style beer) and he said ‘Eww, gross. This tastes like grapefruit juice.' This is what happens when any schmuck with a pulse is allowed to drink good beer.”

A survey of dozens of other local craft beer enthusiasts about this issue on a Facebook group called “The Secret Society of Super Snobs” reveals that these opinions seem to be prevailing in the Capital District. Most respondents chose to remain anonymous; therefore, this survey is in no way scientific (see results below). However, here are some of the more noteworthy quotes left on Facebook:
  • It’s like I wasted all that time (and gas) on all those road trips. Getting it at the bars on Old Scotland Avenue feels like cheating to me.
  • This reminds me of the kind of stunt Jack Maharvard would pull back in the day. He’d sneak in kegs from Canada and England. If he were still around, he’d have some mules snag some kegs from Vermont and then sell it for $20 a glass. Man, those were the days.
  • I’ve already found the next super hot brewery, but I don’t want to say their name because I don’t need all you [expletive] making the line for the taproom even longer. It’s a few hours away, so you know it’s gotta be good.
  • This brewery jumped the shark once their kegs started lasting for more than 24 hours. Pfft! I might as well order a Fishhead Dog. Remember when they used to be relevant?
  • In order to be a true Super Snob, you have to be able to complain about your local beer scene. But with them on tap everywhere, we can’t do that anymore.
meta-chart
The comment “Well, at least we still can’t get Herdy Terper here, so that’s something, right!?” received 156 “likes” when this story went to press.

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NOTE: This blog is in no way intended to be derogatory towards, nor mock nor criticize Hill Farmstead Brewery or their fans, but rather the snobs that value cachet over the actual product. See my blog "Are you tasting the beer or the cachet?" for further discussion.